I find myself having difficulty keeping this blog up to date. I think mainly because my primary relationship is going well, but unremarkably. I imagine in part because this is a D/s blog and my relationship is mainly vanilla with a fairly agressively D/s sexual component. Blogging about “last night we did x, y, and z” is not really my style.
I am forcing myself to make an update though! I’ll just sort of summarize the situation as it exists, and see if that inspires me to spill my guts a bit more.
C and I have been “together” for about 7 or 8 months now. I wasn’t very committed or enthused at first, partly because I had a hard time reading into her feelings and partly because there wasn’t any friction or excitement going on aside from sexually. Understanding that it was okay for two adults to be polite and civil and not be at odds about much and still like each other, was, sadly, a tough thing for me to wrap my head around at 37 years of age. I also admit to having a little trouble “getting” the sex part. C likes to be topped rather roughly and selfishly, but doesn’t seem to have any particular issues that drive that desire. In part that makes things easier, since I don’t have to avoid stepping on any eggshells, but in a way it’s hard as I don’t have any particular guidance as to what might push her buttons, whether positively or negatively.
Slowly, I’ve become aware that there is sort of a playful “innocent” flirtation with her straight female roomate, V, and that has widened into some “pretend” competition between her roomate and I for her affection and some banter about sharing me. This is the one hot button I am aware of, as I do know that in the past she has had boyfriends ask her to invite V into the bedroom or want to switch over to dating V instead of C, which made her unhappy. So about this issue, I am being good, even though they’ve gone so far as talking about me cumming on V’s face in a joking discussion about acne treatments, and C has “jokingly” mentioned pawning me off on V when I’ve worn her out and am still up for action on a couple particularly virile days. I just try to join in the fun without pushing the envelope much myself. I do make some hay from the fact that C seems to get particularly vocal when V is in the apartment, but that’s about it.
I’ve been rather loathe to discuss the other part of my life here, and maybe it’s been one reason I haven’t been posting much. It’s developed in part because I have a weakness in this area, and in part because at the beginning, I wasn’t sure how serious things were with C but my ex-wife is in my life in a sexual, bdsmish way. She has a boyfriend, and she doesn’t want to leave him, but their relationship is tumultuous and a little broken, matching her personality I suppose.
It began with the fact that he won’t play “daddy” with her and prefers play in which he calls her a slut and a whore, which is tied much too much into their non-bedroom life in which he is often accusing her of flirting, etc. (She’s not even allowed to use facebook unsupervised.) It started with her acting out on that – “If he’s going to call me a slut anyway I might as well be one”, and not just with me, but eventually morphed into me taking on the “daddy” role in semi-regular play with her. As part of that, the (much worse than she had ever suggested) details of her abused childhood have come out for the first time, and I am struggling between trying to extricate myself for my safety and to protect what I have with C, but at the me time I am drawn to remain engaged, both in a quest to get her to seek real help about her past, and perverse enjoyment of the energy coming out of her. I try at times, based on the idea that she’d be pursuing these things elsewhere anyway, and I do at least want her to get better, to be a “good daddy” to her and provide structure and boundaries, support and advice, and push her toward therapy. Sadly, I often fall and just take the opportunity to help her degrade herself in acting out her anger at her boyfriend. Last night I fell, hard, in this respect. It was a fun, highly charged, scene. She seems to have come out of it all smiles herself… but I feel drained and worried. Partly I am kicking myself for not being able to just enjoy the ride, and partly I am kicking myself for not being able to just get out of the situation.
