A sub’s desires…

A lot of subs like to say, when asked what brings them pleasure, “I just want to be used however you want, I want to please you.”

This is BS. When you lay in bed masturbating before we even met, you were thinking about something… When you were with men who weren’t Dominant and it wasn’t satisfactory, there were specific things that were missing. If all you truly wanted was for a man to use you as he wished, you wouldn’t have broken up with the guy who always finished in 5 minutes and didn’t make you cum.

Besides, what you want is to feel dominated, used, etc. For each sub, this is a different feeling, triggered by different stimuli. Make no mistake, I am going to do, and make you do, the things that please Me, but I don’t want to walk away from the scene without you getting something out of it too. You are My slave/pet/plaything because you trust me to take you places you can’t get to alone. Sure I can wander the landscape of sex and BDSM at my own pace and make note of what seems to work with you, but some signposts would be nice.

For eidyia

I didn’t feel right about replying directly in your post, I hope this finds your eyes…

The repeated refrain in your posts is the theme of cutting things off before they get bad, and protecting people around you from your presumed faults or eventual departure.

The trouble is, and believe me, this is a hard-won lesson in my own life, that same behavior is cutting things off before they get good, and keeping people from getting to experience the joys and pleasure you can bring them.

I’m not daring to tell you “what” to do, even if I actually knew you, I couldn’t do that. It just seems to me that you are closing yourself off to the good possibilities in the future for fear of the bad possibilities… only you can make the right decision for you, but as unsure as you seem about so much else, I find it strange that you are so sure that you aren’t ready for a relationship.

Home again, home again…

It’s sad to be apart from my L, but it is also very good to be home.

I collared her yesterday. Unfortunately, it was more of a “promise collar” that I put on her neck, as I couldn’t find anything entirely suitable. She was very happy to receive my collar, and was very attentive and obedient to the beginnings of her instruction and training. It is a bit of a shame that I won’t be able to physically train her again for a while.

I had a wonderful time spending the weekend with her, seeing her city, and of course being pleased by her sexually and granting her pleasure. I look forward to the next time we are able to meet physically, but I have already come to enjoy our electronic communications as well, and am eager to talk to her again.

Just a Quick Update From Vacation

My L is at work now, though I will be leaving in a bit to meet up with her for lunch.

This has been truly quite an enjoyable weekend. I find L to be thoroughly pleasing to Me, and I am a bit sad that this is our last day to be together physically. I don’t know if all of My feelings have gelled quite enough to explain all of the reasons that I feel very confident about taking her as Mine, but I am very sure of this decision.

I started to weird Myself out a bit on Saturday, when I let the thought enter My head that L is in many ways a slightly more mature and experienced version of C. It probably wouldn’t have become such a big deal if it weren’t for the fact that there is a physical similarity; they share similar blue and gold eyes, similar facial features, and a similar build, though L is thinner.

I had to focus a lot on considering their significant differences for a while, and managed to get myself seeing L as her own self again.

Sometimes I let Myself get too muddled up considering what-if’s and such. The simple truth is, L pleases Me, I believe she is serious about wanting to continue doing so, and I believe that she feels pleased and fulfilled as well. The distance is going to suck… but I think it is a big deal that, of all the long-distance relationships I have had, this is the one in which I have not felt worry about the distance, only annoyance.

Going to See L

I’m not actually leaving until tomorrow, but I shall be quite busy today, and I doubt I’d be on to post this closer to the event. I shall be gone through Tuesday, though I will probably be online Monday for a time, as she works.

I am excited. I don’t intend to rush into anything, I do have a tender heart that needs protecting, but I have not felt this overwhelmingly “right” about someone in a while, and the only way to find out is to try, yes?

Our developing relationship is not shaping up to be a particularly strict D/s protocol. She does call Me “Sir”, and she does understand that she will be Mine to use as I see fit, but there is a vanilla-flavored side to things as well. I might be guilty of confusing her if I don’t handle it well, I suppose – but thus far it is working.

She will be wearing a skirt and no panties to work tomorrow, ready to give herself to me sa soon as we meet. That aspect is more important to her than it is to me, but I do relish enforcing and one-upping her own desires.

Pretending

Sometimes, there can be a concern with subs that they are pretending to be loyal, subservient, malleable. Sometimes they “trade” that facade as currency for kinky sex. Sometimes they may be hoping that their feelings will eventually match what they are presenting. Sometimes they just want to “see what it’s like” to be the “s” in D/s. Sometimes they are sluts inside who need a little help to crack their shell open, and will then want to rush out to enjoy their new open sexuality.

In the blush of a new relationship it can be difficult to separate uncertainty from actual falseness. I can certainly be guilty of perhaps too often giving people the benefit of the doubt. Then again, not. I think that I have become quite adept at enjoying the moment, taking the positive from my past, and being optimistic about the future.

Yes, I can be hurt. Yes, I might find myself feeling, for a time, that I have wasted a lot of time, effort, emotional energy, and money on someone who chooses to turn it off one sudden day – but I do not think there is a sub or “sub” who has left my service without growing, learning, or finding some greater happiness than she knew before we met. I tend to find this much more rewarding a goal than “staying together forever” or “getting my kink on thoroughly.”

Collaring L

L and I discussed collaring for the first time last night. The thought of collaring her had gone through my mind occasionally in the past, but the recent talk about possibly letting her be used by other men at some point in the future had me thinking about it seriously.

In a way, a collar is just a silly symbol, it has no power that we don’t grant to it. On the other hand, it can be a stong focal point for someone who respects it, to provide a framework for establishing what belonging and control mean in the relationship.

It’s not a decsion to be made lightly, and I look forward to spending some real time with L and getting a feel for how our dynamic grows and changes in the physical realm.

Theme of the Recent Time Frame: Group sex

It’s strange how it often seems that things bunch together. Some view this as life trying to tell them something. I don’t really believe in fate and the like, so I don’t know how I view it… but I notice it and thinkabout it.

Anyway, the thing that’s been coming up a lot lately is group sex, primarily in the configuration of one women and several men.

The first place this came up recently was my ex-wife. She remarked to me out of the blue one day that she had flirted with two of her co-workers at the same time, and joked about going home with both of them, but immediately declared that she was just trying to get a reaction out of them. Then about a month later, she was talking to me and was upset because the night before, those two and two of their friends had been texting her for hours telling her to come “pull a train” and telling her “you know you want it” and far more graphic things. She was very upset at them and stopped talking to them. Another month or two passed and both had left that job for unrelated reasons when she remarked to me that she felt sad that she hadn’t taken the opportunity to be with two guys at once. When I suggested that it would probably be pretty easy for her to arrange a similar situation, she backed off again saying she didn’t really want to, well maybe, but… etc. It’s a struggle for me sometimes, when she opens up about her sexuality and is having difficulties – I feel that I could help her, but she doesn’t want my help further than listening and offering advice.

Then, a close friend and former sub of mine, I’ll call her R, recently was escorted by another friend of hers to a sex club where she got her first group experience, which was a shockingly sizable number of men. She is now struggling between commitment to her current Master who is a staunch monogamist, and the freedom to experience that depravity again.

N, the woman whom I most recently was Domming, talked a great deal about her own desire to be gang-banged.

And now, L, the woman I am traveling to see soon, and whom I hope to build an actual relationship with, not just sex, told me today about her fantasy of being gang-banged, and how she has always hoped that someone could Dom her into acting it out finally. We discussed it a bit, her feelings, mine, some of the reasons why that will probably stay a fantasy for the near future…

I do like the idea that she has such a sexual hunger that she might want that, and in her case it has a lot to do with her recieving large amounts of cum, which is a porn staple for me. However, I do have serious reservations about sharing my woman. That’s neglecting the whole logistical insanity of finding several people and knowing them well enough to know they will be cool and play by the rules, but not knowing them well enough for this event to be an issue in my friendships and relationship. Then there is the cum issue with regard to health and safety concerns being diametrically opposed to her fantasies.

I don’t know, it’s odd that this has essentially been a constant background noise in my life for 6 months, yet I don’t feel like I’ve come any closer to reachign a solid yes or no in my mind about what I would accept and help to arrange for a woman I am Domming.

L

L lives far away. We first began talking when she didn’t, and things have continued to progress to the point that I am taking a very long trip soon to see her.

On a social level, L appeals to me in myriad ways. She is smart and funny and clever and pretty and vivacious.

On a sexual level, she’s definitely pushing my buttons. She is mostly unpracticed when it comes to D/s, but the more we talk and play on-line and over the phone, the more compatible we seem to be. She wants to submit and to please Me, and I have high hopes for our time together when we do meet.

Goodbye N

Well, her husband asked her to choose him or others and she has chosen to try being monogamous again. We discussed the matter and decided it would be best if we didn’t talk anymore.

So much for a convenient play partner, eh? Oh well.

I am going to miss the conveniently accessable D/s time, but I will live. I may be making my own commitment to monogamy soon anyway…