Regret is something I try not to feel. We all make what seem like mistakes, but in the end, one can never know what would have happened if one had acted differently. Sometimes we even know in hindsight that something was coming around the bend which would have made that “mistake” moot. I just try to make the best decisions I can, and deal appropriately with the results. If one is always making what seems the best decision at the time, what room is there for regret, hm?
And yet… I deeply regret letting C go.
We met online. She was a perverted virgin, fantasizing desperately about kinky sex, bondage and submission. It was a combination of her paralyzing shyness, her fear that she wouldn’t be “good”, and her need for any sexual relationship she did have to be rather kinky which kept her a virgin into her twenties. We met as friends and eventually began to admit her desires to me, and one night, her hope that she could be mine.
There were some serious circumstances surrounding us. I was in a complicated phase of separation from the mother of my children, and there remained the possibility that my marriage would resume. We lived several hundred miles apart. She lived with her oppressive parents and was busy with work and school. She pledged that none of these things overwhelmed her need to finally give herself to someone, and more importantly that she had never met anyone to whom she so strongly wanted to give herself.
So, we decided to begin, slowly, a relationship. She would be my pet, and I her Owner, with the understanding that, if it came to it, rebuilding my marriage was more important than our D/s relationship. I traveled to meet her in person, and to collar her.
She was incredibly cute, and so, so nervous just to be in my presence, barely able to lift her face to mine for a kiss. I think my sense of incredible tenderness toward her fragility led me to begin allowing our relationship to become more entangled than either of us had claimed to want.
On my second visit, she wanted to surrender her virginity. She was shaking like a leaf with every step we took toward physicality, nakedness, sexual touching, yet with patience and lots of tenderness, she wanted to continue. When the time came to actually have sex, she panicked, I stopped, and we lay together for a long time until suddenly, on her own, she initiated oral sex. She was incredibly pleasing to me. I won’t even say “for her first time” – because I have slept with women with long sexual histories who were not nearly as satisfying to me in this act. She got her “treat”, and smiled and purred, snuggling against me until we both fell asleep.
In the morning, she offered her virginity to me again, and everything went so much smoother and easier. She left for school that morning happy and smiling, and I drove home the same way.
We continued on for several months, talking online and meeting when we could. We explored bondage, sexuality, and bigger than that, I was falling in love with my sweet kitten.
Then, came the series of decisions which I have come to regret…
My ex-wife became interested in spending a lot of time with me. We did not have sex, but we began to “hang out” a lot. I cancelled a planned meeting with my kitten to travel with my ex. I was less available. She began to get whiny and demanding. I began to have short patience and blame her for being the one who was only available late at night to talk. Finally, one fateful evening, I promised to spend time online with my kitten, but when I went to drop my children off with my ex, she asked me to stay with her to watch a DVD, and I neglected my prior responsibility.
I always respected her for being, in a strange dichotomy, very assertive when she needed to be. She left me that night. Completely. Forbade me to talk to her again. When I did attempt to later, she reiterated her desire to never hear another word from me. I came to vaguely know something about her life a couple weeks later and offered any help she might need, to which she violently again rebuffed me and announced that she was with someone else.
It was then that certain aspects of the previous weeks began to come into focus. She had mentioned a “stalker” in passing, and then on the night that she left, threw in my face the fact that her “stalker” had more time for her than I did. I will never know if this is who she fled into the arms of, but it does call into question her loyalty toward the end. I do not fault her for that, as my own loyalty and commitment was very much in question at the same time.
I know now that I threw away the most fulfilling relationship I have had since my marriage dissolved, and one that stood a great chance of being, on the whole, far more satisfying and happy than even my marriage had been before that faltered. I came to this conclusion fairly soon after my mistake, and as a result I couldn’t even bring myself to enter into even a short-term D/s relationship for a long time, feeling that I was a “bad Dom.”
I regret most of all that she probably now regrets her association with me, although I remain proud of the way our relationship began, and I think she had a gentler and more fulfilling end to her virginity than most women. Maybe I even gave her something more important, the knowledge that she has the gumption to stand up for what she needs from the man that she loves.
