How to Feel Like an Ass in One Easy Step

So, several hours after my grouchy pessimistic post, I got a chance to spend much of the evening talking to L.

She was happier, we had some laughs, watched a show together online, played a little… and then when she was feeling nice and secure and safe and comfy, she told me that she’d felt worse all week than she’d let me know. Suicidally worse.

We talked about stuff and why she couldn’t tell me. Part of it was the typical sort of depression feelings that “no one can help me and I might feel like this forever” and that the first thing that would happen if she sought help was they’d dope her up on mood stabilizers. Part of it goes back to her teenage years. Her sister attempted suicide and then her brother died (not from suicide), and she felt like telling anyone how she was feeling would be too much of a burden for her mom, so she’s developed an even worse constellation of hiding strategies than your ordinary depressed person.

It’s a good sign that she let me know now, I think. In part I think it means she wants me to know what to look for in the future when she won’t be able to tell me, and I think it’s a big step that she overcame her fear of burdening those who love her at least a little.

I’ve been down this path a couple times before, and at least now I know what I am dealing with and have some strategies to fall back on. I haven’t really done this particular configuration, involving a current BDSM relationship, but I am pretty sure I can steer her toward at least having resources available if and when she needs them.

Strain

The distance issue is really starting to suck this week.

L is depressed and crabby over the lack of physical touch I’m frustrated because I know if I could just hold her, spank her and fuck her she’d settle down. I start to enact something that I think might help and she interupts halfway through with “That kind of thing won’t work for me”. I reign her in over her behavior and tell her to try it anyway and I get the “I’ll do it but it won’t work” response that makes me steam up.

I have to work my ass off to make every conversation not consist of repeated variations on “I need you here and you aren’t so i’m goign to be a grousy grouse.” It’s extremely frustrating when you feel like the person on the other end isn’t even trying.

I find myself thinking I should try getting a lot stricter with her behavior than I have been, but that entails a risk. Her submission has always been primarily sexual and physical, rather than service or protocol oriented. If I push her to adhere to protocol that might push her away, and I already have arrangements to visit in two weeks.

So I stall for time, doing the best I can with what we have now, hoping I can instill enough confidence and a little protocol into her within a four-day visit so that I can keep her on a tighter leash during the next gap, and realizing I might want to save my trip planning for the third visit until the last minute.

Oh and I could really use a good blowjob NOW, rather than in two weeks myself. This is the recipe for the C disaster all over again.

Mr Pessimist, signing off.

Restraint without holding back

One of the problems with this long-distance thing is the desire to rush when we are together and to do a million things to make up for lost time. In a fresh BDSM relationship this can be a particular problem. Add to this that for reasons of economy all of our serious physical play is going to be restricted to a single day/night in a hotel room and I find myself starting to fret over planning the scene. I don’t want to script it down to the minute, but I don’t want to leave it wide open either, and I’m having to strike a balance, as well as determining what elements are going to be included so far as equipment and such, since we aren’t going to be in our own private space with lots of things handy on a whim.

I know it will all work out, but at the same time I do find myself creating a pressure to “get it right” a lot more than I would if we were doing this more often that every couple of months.

Bringing work home

I was very nearly mean to L today. Work’s been alternating between dull and annoying this week and I got into it with one of the Assistant Managers over his terrible handling of a complaint. I already went around and around with him about the same concept two weeks ago… it doesn’t do him any good to waste his breath trying to prove that he’s “right” when, after he pisses them off and they get ahold of me I’m just going to give them full credit on their order anyway.

So, yeah, I was in a rotten mood when she texted me after she got out of work.

I was not mad at her earlier in the day, but I was going to have to punish her. She was supposed to get up early to run an errand before work. Whether she gets this item taken care of or not has no direct consequence for me, but I set an alarm to wake me before dawn so that I could check in and make sure she was up. She was an supposedly on track to get out on time, and I went back to bed, only to find out on her lunch hour that she had decided to nap instead of leaving early.

We had already discussed beforehand that she needed help with motivation to do this errand she keeps putting off, and that if she didn’t go today she’d be punished. I already had a plan for her punishment, writing a couple hundred word essay about being lazy after I wasted precious sleep to make sure she was up. I actually wasn’t mad and was only punishing her because I knew she needed it.

When she got out of work and contacted me, though, I almost snapped. Suddenly I was furious about what happened in the morning and I wanted to tear her down over it.

Only being able to talk over text at that time may have helped, I don’t know, but somehow I pushed all that aside for the moment and told her I’d detail her punishment for her tomorrow since I’d be home past her bedtime tonight.

I guess that’s somethign to hate about the distance. If we were together I could channel that frustrated energy into play that she’d enjoy rather than teeter on the verge of a verbal attack she doesn’t deserve.

When I got home she’d left me a very sweet note about how she feels about being my sub and I felt very glad for staying in control. She’s still going to have to write that essay though.

Long-distance punishment

The crux of the difficulty of long-distance D/s, eh?

I don’t give L a lot of rules about her schedule or diet or whatever. There are some general expectations I have, and she is good about following those. She asks permission to masturbate and cum, she would have to ask permission to have sex with someone else, she has to tell me if she won’t be home after work, and when she goes to bed. We don’t have a lot of rituals she is expected to follow.

I do also give her specific tasks. Today she was supposed to go to work without panties on. She let me know on her own at lunchtime that she had forgotten but would go to the restroom to remove them. I’m glad that she came clean, but she did neglect the one simple thing I asked her to do.

So now I have 4 hours to come up with a good punishment for her that I can apply over long distance. Bah.

My little slut

When things first began with L, after the blush of excitement, I did have the feeling that we might be headed for trouble.

As we began dicussing D/s, what I would expect from her, and what she hoped to get out of it, she gravitated tather abruptly to two things; The first was that when discussing rules, the first thing she thought of was “and I have to ask your permission to fuck anyone, right?” True, that is one of My rules, and granted – I have allowed a long-distance pet to “get herself fucked” in the past, something about the timing and the way she said it bothered Me. The second was that we were having a conversation about porn and she was detailing her love of cum, mutliple cumshots, and double penetration. I asked if she’d been in a mutliple situation before – she hadn’t and she said something to the effect that she felt like she’d been waiting for a Dom to help push her into being usedby multiple men, then *snuggled* me. Again, this isn’t something outside the realm of what I might enjoy doing some day, but it is also something I could do easily without and wanting to be gang-banged is not on My “sub checklist.”

It’s sort of a two-sided coin. I like that she’s a little slut who likes being used. I definitely love how worshipful she is of my cum. I even like that she would fantasize about getting fucked over and over and in multiple holes until she’s thoroughly used and covered in cum. I guess the problem I had came from the perception that this might be the “main” thing she saw in My role.

It took us a lot of talking to figure this aspect of things out, and I am satisfied that we are on the same page now.  Her blurting out those things so early is part of the same reason she likes Me controlling who gets to fuck her, she’s been prone to “put out indiscriminately” in the past and to sexualize her relationships with men right away. The most recent sexual encounter she had aside from Me was because it seemed the expedient way to end a date she wasn’t very excited about. She can’t control this for herself, and likes having Me to control it for.

As for Me allowing multiple men to use her, we discussed both of our feeligns about it a couple of times, but I was very impressed by something she said out of the blue about it the other day, after talking about a dp porn scene. “Being used like that is a fantasy i have a lot, but being Yours like i am is the reality that i want to keep being real for a long long time.”

She pushed My monogamy button – hard, lol.

Sub drop

Sub drop has been on my mind a lot lately. In December when I next visit my L, we have plans that include about 24 hours holed up in a hotel as Master and pet without distractions or having to play vanilla in public. We won’t, I think, be going anywhere near her deepest limits of humiliation, but we are going to go deeper than we’ve been.

I’m giving her an evening and morning beforehand, and a full day after for decompression, but as I fly out Monday morning, especially being completely out of contact for 6 hours, I’m going to be very concerned about her dropping. I am lucky in that I can pretty much talk to her any time she needs it, but being unable to physically hold her when she needs it worries me a bit.

Somehow though, I don’t know how exactly, I can’t stop feeling incredibly optimistic with this one. You don’t hear a lot of Doms express this kind of thing, but I think she fills my need to trust like no other has. No one is perfect, but her self-awareness, her ability to move between an independent life and submission to me, her openness about her feelings – they all make me feel like, whatever concerns I might have, as long as we do our best for each other, it’s going to be okay. I don’t get the panicky feeling that she’s throwing everything in my lap and holding me responsible for everything that happens in her life from here on out.

http://www.steel-door.com/Dominant_Drop.html