L went out to dinner and karaoke with friends for Valentine’s Day. At about 2am her time, she showed up on her IM, drunk and horny.
I believe I stuck a balance between teasing/arousing her and not jumping right into virtual bed with her.
We’ll see.
Freedom
She has been told that she doesn’t have to worry about whether she loves me “enough”. She has been told that she is now free to date and to fuck without getting advance permission.She doesn’t have to worry that she is letting me down if I don’t hear from her every day. The funny part his, she already had most of these freedoms from me, except for permission to fuck without asking me, but I don’t think she was giving those permissions to herself.
She knows that I am reserving the option of asking her to spend the weekend with me again in 6-8 weeks, again not under any obligation on her part to take my collar back just because she consents to see me or to play.
Either she’ll enjoy her freedom and realize that leaving was the right decision, or she will long for the comfort of my collar and my embrace.
It’s a hard place to put myself.
Maybe not quite over?
This is a tricky situation…
Someone leaves you, but they still want to talk and “be friends”. You concede that that might be a possibility but you need some space to make that transition… then she messages you saying “I don’t know how long this break up is going to last” and “If you were here I’d probably already be in your arms”.
It doesn’t mean we should resume, I think, not without a commitment to work on removing or finding ways to deal with the root problem (physical distance). It also doesn’t mean she is ready or wants to resume, it just means she misses it.
I can’t help it…
But I’m fixating a lot on whether I flubbed this.
I am well aware that I probably didn’t do anything wrong, or at the very least, there wasn’t anything I could have done right to cause things to be different. In any case, it’s not like I can go back in time and change my actions, I guess I do hope I can learn from whatever mistakes I did make.
Maybe I was not enough of a Dom and too much of a boyfriend to L. She was clear fromt he beginning that she really only wanted to be dominated in the bedroom, but sometimes what people want and what they need do not match up. It’s also possible, especially this last weekend, that I was not dominating enough in the bedroom. I find myself wondering if thigns would be different today if I had showed up Friday horny and energetic and used the crap out of her for 4 days. The fact that I was cuddly and snuggly and loving all weekend certainly must have exacerbated her feeling that she didn’t “love me enough”.
I feel like I missed hints of other paths that would have been more comfortable for her. Little jokes about me buying her affection were potentially clues that if I had made this a clearly defined “sugar daddy”, or possibly a more blunt quid pro quo form of relationship she would have understood that she was contributing affection and sexual service that I valued, instead of feeling like I was putting everything in for little return.
Perhaps that is the key, she didn’t see the value that she did give me, without worrying about promises of a future together or whatever… and it was my responsibility to identify and push her through those feelings…
My Nearly Vanilla Weekend
I think that we all have sort of an ebb and flow of our “kinkiness level”… and one of the challenges to a long-distance BDSM relationship I suppose is the question of what happens if, when you are finally together for a few days, one or both of you doesn’t feel particularly kinky or maybe not all that sexual at all.
To start with I was a little stressed about work. As it turned out, my boss’s silent approval of my taking a vacation weekend over superbowl was actually due to him somehow overlooking my calendar and vacation request when I sent it a few weeks ago – so I got sort of a passive agressive permission to go that included a threat of bodily harm if my restaurants got into trouble on Sunday.
Then my flights were delayed, and redelayed, making me five hours late, grouchy, a little hungry, and not feeling right digestively due to eating airport and airplane junk for 12 hours.
Seeing my L perked me up a lot, but by the time we got back to her place I was ready to go to sleep. We did snuggle and make out a bit and finally have sex.
The next day, the money trouble started. Checking my bank account, I found that the check I had deposited Thursday still wasn’t showing up. Also, my stomach discomfort had blossomed into full-blown yuckiness. We did have a slightly more D/s experience that day, but again I was feeling some disconnect, and we didn’t engage in any sensation play or bondage. This continued into Sunday, when the only remotely kinky thing I did was some forced orgasm play. We went on a trip to search for a nice thick dildo for L which ended in dissapointement. We are going to have to order something online I suppose.
When Monday came, my check still had not cleared, and I had to confess the situation to L and rely on her to cover our meals for the day. After wearing ourselves out lugging stuff from her storage unit to her apartment, we cooked a nice dinner together and made each other watch our Monday night television addictions.
Before bed, L finally asked me to tie her up. Over the weekend, I had twice brought up the fact that things weren’t as debaucherous as we had talked about prior to my trip, or as our previous times together. Both times her response was that she wasn’t feeling all that kinky either and that the way things were going was working for her. When she asked to be tied up, I sort of felt like I had missed the signal that she wanted to head in a naughtier direction now. I also began to question whether the fact that she was comfortabel with the way the rest of the weekend had gone wasn’t, in fact, a bad thing.
We continue to get along great and have a fun time together, and so far neither of us has annoyed the other to the point of frustration. This has always been more of an “in the bedroom” form of D/s, but right now I feel very unsure about where the balance point of this thing lies at all.
