Things have been alternating between a good idle and slowly moving forward on the C front, not much to report there.
A mutual acquaintance wanted me to check out a former sub of mine’s profile on the chat site we met on, to see that she has begun yet another instant-on, total commitment, “he is my everything”, long-distance relationship. Apparently there’ve been two others in the past year while I’ve been completely out of contact in that arena, and I knew already of 2 in the year prior, though this acquaintance says it was more like 4. This girl, T, apparently keeps entering these relationships, winding up crushed at some point, and immediately starting a new one with someone in the wings. According to the acquaintance, T would be open to seeing me again if I were in the right place at the right time, and in the acquaintance’s opinion that would be better for T. I let her know that that was all well and good for T, but that I really didn’t think that it would be as good for me as for T, and that besides, I have someone now. She seemed to feel that as T’s “first” I had a certain responsibility to give her a second chance more so than otherwise, and I had to get a little debateful about that theory and the fact that it still didn’t trump me being in a current relationship. I was left wondering how much of that came from the acquaintance and whether T had actual sent her my way.
It made me sad. I know I am not responsible for the state of T, and it winds up putting my position in her life in a newish perspective, but it also doesn’t feel good that she’s not in any better state than she was when we parted, and the “I’m not a monster to her anymore after all” feeling was sort of tempered by the idea that it sounded more like a desperate attempt at breaking a cycle than really wanting me back in her life at all.
Then I heard from the first L I was with, she wanted advice because she’d found herself in a switchy relationship and didn’t know where to start with domming a big, handsome, 6+ foot man who wants to be cuckolded, belittled, and forced to suck cock. I gave her some ideas, with the caveat that I don’t dom men ever, and probably don’t know what I am talking about. She started kicking back, and the read I got was that she really would rather just be on the bottom, but was trying to go this route to keep him. Discussing that with her, she came across as very unhappy about getting older and gaining weight and wrinkles, and resigned to the fact that at least this guy accepted her own kinks and was willing to explore them, whereas she’d had trouble with that side of things over the past year and a half with others. She left the conversation happier than she came in at least, armed with a few topping ideas I gave her, but again, I was kind of sad that another ex of mine was in such a desperate-sounding state.
Then, the more recent L got chatty one night. We talk occasionally as friends these days. She seems very happy and satisfied with her current boyfriend. But… he was out of town, and she wanted to talk kink and porn and D/s, and what she and I might have gotten to by now exploring her slutty side if we were still together, and how she sometimes regrets getting into her current relationship because that will never be a part of it. She confided that her ability to love him pretty much seemed to hinge on his beign available to her sexually as much as she wants and letting her have her space when she wants. I told her that that sounded like a pretty normal, if simplistic view of a relationship, and noted that she left me largely because I was not available to her whenever she wanted due to the distance. She said, yeah, but it was a harder decision to leave you than it will be with him I think. I told her it was a good thing he was so available then, and she responded, well, he’s not available now, and that I definitely had a shot at getting her to cheat if I were close enough to come over. I told her I appreciated the hypothetical offer, but that even if I were in her neck of the woods I wouldn’t be pursuing that because I had plenty on my plate already. We’d discussed C and V priefly in the past, and she began pressing for details, but I don’t think it was kinky enough to hold her interest and soon she was enjoying a discussion of how much she’d like being shared by a couple of male roommates, which clearly made more sense than one guy being shared by two women. I let her indulge a little until she was clearly to the point that she was ready to go masturbate and leave me in peace, and we said goodnight.
It’s all left me a bit pensive about my various exes and their current states, and concerned about the future of my current relationship(s). I like to think I try to leave most things that I touch in a better state than I left them, but it doesn’t feel like that today.