Time keeps on slippin’…

I find myself having difficulty keeping this blog up to date. I think mainly because my primary relationship is going well, but unremarkably. I imagine in part because this is a D/s blog and my relationship is mainly vanilla with a fairly agressively D/s sexual component. Blogging about “last night we did x, y, and z” is not really my style.

I am forcing myself to make an update though! I’ll just sort of summarize the situation as it exists, and see if that inspires me to spill my guts a bit more.

C and I have been “together” for about 7 or 8 months now. I wasn’t very committed or enthused at first, partly because I had a hard time reading into her feelings and partly because there wasn’t any friction or excitement going on aside from sexually. Understanding that it was okay for two adults to be polite and civil and not be at odds about much and still like each other, was, sadly, a tough thing for me to wrap my head around at 37 years of age. I also admit to having a little trouble “getting” the sex part. C likes to be topped rather roughly and selfishly, but doesn’t seem to have any particular issues that drive that desire. In part that makes things easier, since I don’t have to avoid stepping on any eggshells, but in a way it’s hard as I don’t have any particular guidance as to what might push her buttons, whether positively or negatively.

Slowly, I’ve become aware that there is sort of a playful “innocent” flirtation with her straight female roomate, V, and that has widened into some “pretend” competition between her roomate and I for her affection and some banter about sharing me. This is the one hot button I am aware of, as I do know that in the past she has had boyfriends ask her to invite V into the bedroom or want to switch over to dating V instead of C, which made her unhappy. So about this issue, I am being good, even though they’ve gone so far as talking about me cumming on V’s face in a joking discussion about acne treatments, and C has “jokingly” mentioned pawning me off on V when I’ve worn her out and am still up for action on a couple particularly virile days. I just try to join in the fun without pushing the envelope much myself. I do make some hay from the fact that C seems to get particularly vocal when V is in the apartment, but that’s about it.

I’ve been rather loathe to discuss the other part of my life here, and maybe it’s been one reason I haven’t been posting much. It’s developed in part because I have a weakness in this area, and in part because at the beginning, I wasn’t sure how serious things were with C but my ex-wife is in my life in a sexual, bdsmish way. She has a boyfriend, and she doesn’t want to leave him, but their relationship is tumultuous and a little broken, matching her personality I suppose.

It began with the fact that he won’t play “daddy” with her and prefers play in which he calls her a slut and a whore, which is tied much too much into their non-bedroom life in which he is often accusing her of flirting, etc. (She’s not even allowed to use facebook unsupervised.) It started with her acting out on that – “If he’s going to call me a slut anyway I might as well be one”, and not just with me, but eventually morphed into me taking on the “daddy” role in semi-regular play with her. As part of that, the (much worse than she had ever suggested) details of her abused childhood have come out for the first time, and I am struggling between trying to extricate myself for my safety and to protect what I have with C, but at the me time I am drawn to remain engaged, both in a quest to get her to seek real help about her past, and perverse enjoyment of the energy coming out of her. I try at times, based on the idea that she’d be pursuing these things elsewhere anyway, and I do at least want her to get better, to be a “good daddy” to her and provide structure and boundaries, support and advice, and push her toward therapy. Sadly, I often fall and just take the opportunity to help her degrade herself in acting out her anger at her boyfriend. Last night I fell, hard, in this respect. It was a fun, highly charged, scene. She seems to have come out of it all smiles herself… but I feel drained and worried. Partly I am kicking myself for not being able to just enjoy the ride, and partly I am kicking myself for not being able to just get out of the situation.

 

Why dating submissive women is often quite nice…

My girl is getting a procedure done which will take vaginal sex out of our lives for about a month. We were discussing her fears and anxieties about the procedure, when she interjected with, “I’m looking forward to how much you’re going to be fucking my mouth though. I don’t know why but I think that idea makes me wish we saw each other more than I ever do about sex sex. Like every day… I wish you could come over every day that month.”

Going home after

In my D/s experience, more so than vanilla relationships, parting company is always problematic. Even in a non-long-distance relationship, just going home at the end of an evening together seems to bring out the clingiest, neediest, brattiest, controlling behaviors from subs.

I understand wanting to be with Daddy/Sir/Master as much as possible, but does every parting-of-ways have to drag out or prompt corrective action? It’d be a different story if there weren’t reasons why I’m not staying overnight tonight that have already been discussed. It’d be different if I said I’d stay longer then left early. It’d be different if we didn’t already have plans for when our next time together will be.

I’m about to start setting a strict time limit for every visit I have with C, and possibly even go so far as to deny myself visits with her when she acts up as punishment. I know she feels that she is more attached than I am, but that’s not why I am driving home at 10pm instead of sleeping over, and the constant attempts to guilt me into staying or trying to negotiate with me are getting annoying.

Submission

Wow, 3 posts in one morning, hm?

Lately I find myself thinking sometimes that for just the right person, maybe I could sub.

I’m not a masochist, I don’t like being bound, orgasm denial/restriction seems pretty pointless to me, but there is this odd set of circumstances, scenes, ideas that I can imagine being in a  submissive role for.

It’s weird and I am not entirely sure how to process it or if it is remotely worth any second thought at all due to the specificity of it all, but there ya go.

Getting into trouble

I really think I must be bored.

I think I got over the cruelty toward C thing that Ispoke of in my last post, but still, I find myself trying to decide whether I want to bend and break a few of her limits, at the risk of offending/losing her, and I certainly am having trouble being loyal…

I don’t want to get into the details of it for a couple reasons, but I’ve been playing some Dom games and having some sexual encounters with my ex-wife that have nothing to do with getting back together and everything to do with taking advantage of her current weaknesses/relationship just for fun and release.

I’ve also been talkign again with someone far away, we’ll call her M, who is a lot younger than myself (but legal!) and who meets and even challenges my own perversion in so many ways… if she lived closer I think I’d have made my decision already.

Sometimes, I want to be cruel…

I have a hard time deling with a sub who is a needy doormat.

C has been generally enjoyable, but one thing she is is a bit needy. She wants me to be with her more often than I can be… Wants me to stay longer than I should…

The other thing she is, is a bit of a doormat. It seems that I can’t offend or upset her, no matter what I do. Not that I am purposefully trying to hurt her, but, stupid as it might sound to some to come from a Dom, I need her to give me some limits.

Recently, I hit a real wall about my feelings for her. It was sort of a stupid situation. We’d had sex and fallen asleep together for a short while. She woke or stirred and it woke me up and I told her I wanted my cock sucked. I did, but honestly I was in a sort of a state wherein I didn’t actually care much whether I came or not, I just wanted to feel her mouth on me for a while.

She started, and after a while started to ask if she was doing soemthing wrong, and what did I need her to do in order to cum, that she wanted me to cum, etc. I really didn’t need to cum at all, and I wasn’t sure if I could anyway, but one thing I was aware of was that my need to urinate was starting to dominate the sensations I felt in the region. The internal trouble began when I told her that I thought maybe I just needed to get up and pee first, and she fought back with the assertion that if I got up for that I’d probably decide just to get dressed and go home anyway since it was late, which was probably a reasonable observation as I did need to head home fairly soon anyway.

The whininess made me want to be cruel. She’s made it quite clear that she wants absolutely nothing to do with “watersports”, but what I wanted to do more than anything at that moment was to hold her head down and command her to suck and swallow while I relieved my bladder down her throat, and then make her keep sucking me until I came. I didn’t think she had relaxed her views about urine, and I hoped not. I wanted to take her choice in the matter away as some sort of punishment for placing so much of her identity into pleasing me.

It sounds stupid I am sure, being mad at her for wanting to please me. Wanting to violate her “rules” about our sex life in order to see if she’d just cave and go along…

Yet, I held back, made her stop sucking me, held her and caressed her until I absolutely had to get up to pee, and then, yes, got dressed and left. Part of me wishes I’d taken the other tack – maybe I am just bored, or maybe I am cruel at heart. I don’t really know for sure.

The equation

I lied – I feel like posting today. We’ll see how often this happens.

Sweetness + incredible blowjobs + not being annoying = ongoing dating relationship despite the lack of any real passion on my part

Sad admission, you could possibly take out one of the other two factors as long as the blowjobs stayed. Honestly, incredible. I forget to breathe sometimes.

Turning a corner

I don’t know what exactly changed between C and I to enable it, but I think I am starting to connect to her. Many of the same issues that were making em hold backa re still there, but, rather abruptly, I am starting to feel much more care and tenderness toward her than I was.

This translated into our playtime yesterday, and I began to call her “good girl” and “little girl” quite a bit. I shied away from dropping the “daddy” bomb mid-scene, but I talked to her this morning abotu it and her take was that I should have said it. We haven’t gotten into a deep discussion about what that means for her. I think that is somethign best left for after we’ve toed into that headspace a little.

Continuing in much the same vein…

I continue to enjoy C’s company without craving it. She’s fun to be around, but… no connection. Maybe for some reason I am holding back. I am just stuck on this issue a lot because it’s never really happened to me before.

But dear me can she suck a cock. It’s a shame that she seems adamantly monogamistic, because one of my own (fairly fresh) kinks with a good little cocksucker is wanting to share her gift and watch her go down on other men. One never knows though; perhaps in time, the fact that as many times as I cum in her mouth it never seems to be enough will be something to turn that concept on with her. On the other hand, it’s possible that she’s zeroed in on this as an expression of affection from me that she’s not getting as much as she desires verbally.

I’ve been working at the edges of her bottoming, forcing her to cum twice now, and doing sort of a not-directly-sexual spanking “scene”. Again, back to my concern that every step into new territory I take her on is going to be a further point of attachment for her, I feel slightly guilty that it is purely the enjoyment of slwoly and gently “breaking her in” that’s working for me.

In other news… I’ve been talking to someone else. Someone who wants very much to fill my desire for D/lg and ageplay, and is actually just barely young enough that the D/lg doesn’t *have* to be ageplay. I’ll call her M. She knows I already have C, and living somewhat distant, she is ok with that with a tinge of jealousy. As I was leaving to see C yesterday, I told M that we’d have to stop our text conversation for a while. Her reply was that C wouldn’t mind her texting or calling me if she thought she was my actual daughter. It’s a terribly “wrong” twist that had both of us squirming at the idea of actually doing it.

I’m almost more drawn to M than I am to C, but I have a lot of reasons to not be. The distance for one, I don’t want to go through a third lesson regarding that. She’s also squirrely, and as I hinted at above, very drawn toward riding the edge of taboo. From her perspective, I don’t have to choose her over C. She, if anything, likes the idea that I “need” sex enough that I’d want to keep a local relationship going, and with this new idea, not only an excuse to talk to and to see her, but also to do so while making C unwittingly part of our “play”. That is terribly wrong on a lot of levels, but I can’t deny that it’s also very hot for me.

Always feast or famine… and always complicated. Maybe that’s just the way I really like things. Got to keep this brain active after all

Update on C

I’ve continued to date C, and after a lot of thinking and some more discussion with her, I decided to go ahead and have a sexual relationship with her. So far that has been working out pretty darn well. While this is not a D/s relationship, she’s already bottoming better than several of the “subs” I’ve been with.

Of course, the more things she does right, and the more she continues to be sweet, kissable, kind, fun, sexy, etc… The more I am kicking myself for not feeling more strongly for her. It’s new, I know, and I’m not expecting that I should be “in love” already, it’s just that, to be completely blunt, aside from the blowjobs and filling the otherwise empty chair next to me at a movie or across from me at dinner, I wouldn’t miss her much if she were gone at this point.

Hmmmmm…