The past…

Things have been alternating between a good idle and slowly moving forward on the C front, not much to report there.

A mutual acquaintance wanted me to check out a former sub of mine’s profile on the chat site we met on, to see that she has begun yet another instant-on, total commitment, “he is my everything”, long-distance relationship. Apparently there’ve been two others in the past year while I’ve been completely out of contact in that arena, and I knew already of 2 in the year prior, though this acquaintance says it was more like 4. This girl, T, apparently keeps entering these relationships, winding up crushed at some point, and immediately starting a new one with someone in the wings. According to the acquaintance, T would be open to seeing me again if I were in the right place at the right time, and in the acquaintance’s opinion that would be better for T. I let her know that that was all well and good for T, but that I really didn’t think that it would be as good for me as for T, and that besides, I have someone now. She seemed to feel that as T’s “first” I had a certain responsibility to give her a second chance more so than otherwise, and I had to get a little debateful about that theory and the fact that it still didn’t trump me being in a current relationship. I was left wondering how much of that came from the acquaintance and whether T had actual sent her my way.

It made me sad. I know I am not responsible for the state of T, and it winds up putting my position in her life in a newish perspective, but it also doesn’t feel good that she’s not in any better state than she was when we parted, and the “I’m not a monster to her anymore after all” feeling was sort of tempered by the idea that it sounded more like a desperate attempt at breaking a cycle than really wanting me back in her life at all.

Then I heard from the first L I was with, she wanted advice because she’d found herself in a switchy relationship and didn’t know where to start with domming a big, handsome, 6+ foot man who wants to be cuckolded, belittled, and forced to suck cock. I gave her some ideas, with the caveat that I don’t dom men ever, and probably don’t know what I am talking about. She started kicking back, and the read I got was that she really would rather just be on the bottom, but was trying to go this route to keep him. Discussing that with her, she came across as very unhappy about getting older and gaining weight and wrinkles, and resigned to the fact that at least this guy accepted her own kinks and was willing to explore them, whereas she’d had trouble with that side of things over the past year and a half with others. She left the conversation happier than she came in at least, armed with a few topping ideas I gave her, but again, I was kind of sad that another ex of mine was in such a desperate-sounding state.

Then, the more recent L got chatty one night. We talk occasionally as friends these days. She seems very happy and satisfied with her current boyfriend. But… he was out of town, and she wanted to talk kink and porn and D/s, and what she and I might have gotten to by now exploring her slutty side if we were still together, and how she sometimes regrets getting into her current relationship because that will never be a part of it. She confided that her ability to love him pretty much seemed to hinge on his beign available to her sexually as much as she wants and letting her have her space when she wants. I told her that that sounded like a pretty normal, if simplistic view of a relationship, and noted that she left me largely because I was not available to her whenever she wanted due to the distance. She said, yeah, but it was a harder decision to leave you than it will be with him I think. I told her it was a good thing he was so available then, and she responded, well, he’s not available now, and that I definitely had a shot at getting her to cheat if I were close enough to come over. I told her I appreciated the hypothetical offer, but that even if I were in her neck of the woods I wouldn’t be pursuing that because I had plenty on my plate already. We’d discussed C and V priefly in the past, and she began pressing for details, but I don’t think it was kinky enough to hold her interest and soon she was enjoying a discussion of how much she’d like being shared by a couple of male roommates, which clearly made more sense than one guy being shared by two women. I let her indulge a little until she was clearly to the point that she was ready to go masturbate and leave me in peace, and we said goodnight.

It’s all left me a bit pensive about my various exes and their current states, and concerned about the future of my current relationship(s). I like to think I try to leave most things that I touch in a better state than I left them, but it doesn’t feel like that today.

Giving up, giving in, whatever.

The first time I was back at C’s after her mopey episode, I was in the kitchen making chicken sandwiches and I asked if the ladies wanted mayo. C, ever ladylike, hollered back, “You know I love your ‘MAN-aise’ all over my breasts, baby.” (chicken breast, get it?) V jokingly lamented that C was hogging all the “man-aise”, and C said “maybe if you get on your knees and ask nicely you can get some man-aise on your breast too. You might have to help shake the container though.” “Don’t worry,” I hollered back, “I’ve got plenty here for both of you,” which led to riotous giggling that subsided as I brought the plates into the living room.

C announced that she was afraid to taste the sandwich now, and V said, “I don’t even care, I’m starved,” ate a bite and declared, “honey, your boyfriend’s MAN-aise is delicious,” cracking herself up to the point of choking on the bite she was chewing. “Don’t choke,” I told her. Recovering she said, “I know, that’s C’s job.” C perked up at that and said, “Wait a minute, how come you act all concerned and tell V not to choke, and with me you’re shoving it in and telling me to choke on it?” “Because that’s how you like it,” I retorted, to which she replied “Oh yeah, ok.” “Dayam,” V said, fanning herself, “this is the hottest conversation about a chicken sandwich ever.”

“Oh,” C said, “I thought we were talking about his cock and what comes out,” and cackled.

V made a frowny face and said, “Oh sure it’s funny for you when you two get to go in your room and lock the door later. I’m the one who’s going to be scrounging batteries out of the remote.” C said “awwwww” and then ordered V to report to her for snuggles, then enlisted me to make it a group snuggle. We’ve engaged in “hug sandwiches” with C in the middle before, but this was the first time we’d done it with V in the middle. “This is nice,” V said,and then told me, “Poor guy, you can be in the middle next time.” C said,Nah, he won’t make good sandwich meat, no boobies!” and squeezed V’s right breast.

C and V do this kind of “innocent” grabbing of boobs and butts as they pass each other in the hall or kitchen or whatever, as well as caressing hugs and closed-lip kisses at bedtime and the like. When we’ve snuggled with C in the middle before, there have been little contests between V and I where one of us gives C a peck and the other follows suit pointedly, usually culminating in a breast squeeze by one of us that the other imitates. V sarcastically stated, “When C’s in the middle, her left boob doesn’t get left hanging,” so I cupped her left breast and gave her and C both a “so there” eyebrow.

C looked at me with challenge in her eyes as she leaned down to kiss V’s cheek, so I did the same. She raised an eyebrow at me and leaned forward to give V a peck on the lips, which I also began to imitate, but V got weirded out and extricated herself. C pouted and promised to behave if V returned to the couch, but V said she was going to go to her room to read and leave us to be alone. Then she said “Whew, where’s that remote anyway?”

C and I canoodled a bit more before retiring to her bedroom. Post-coitus she reminisced about how flustered we’d gotten V, giggling, then asked how far I would have taken it. I told her I was the one following her lead, but I wouldn’t have backed down from a challenge. She asked if I thought us playing that game with V was mean, and I said I doubted it, and that the “joke” about finding the remote was Vs way of letting us know that she did enjoy it, and that she was really going to masturbate about what had transpired, even though it had gotten too real too fast just then. I warned her not to be surprised if V became a little distant or skittish about the affection stuff for a while.

C asked if I had found it fun. And I replied that she knew I enjoyed pushing her boundaries, and that yes it was definitely fun pushing both hers and by extension V’s. She asked if I was disappointed that it didn’t go further and I told her that no, mostly, because getting V to the point of blushing and needing a break was the fun part, but that it seemed to me that C was ready to go a little further yet, and so I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see how far she was willing to go before getting shy. I asked if she was disappointed, and she said no because it was fun and all, but she didn’t want to do anything V would regret, and didn’t know if she was ready to see me doing “certain things” with V just yet, even though she was pushing because she was curious to see if I would.

I warned her that if she made it a challenge as she had, I would go as far as she pushed and V was willing. She said she wondered if we were taking advantage of V being lonely and horny because after all V is straight. I told her I didn’t know, but that in my observation, there are certainly straighter girls than V, but that if she felt like continuing to pursue this course, we should make sure it was always when sober to be extra sure no advantage is being taken.

C laughed and said, “And here I was thinking about how we should have drinks after dinner tonight to loosen up.”

I told her not to be in a hurry, that I knew she’d gotten a thrill out of that day’s events, but wouldn’t it, after all, be more fun to spread that thrill out and take out time getting to whatever level it finally got to? She conceded that, but said that she was more thinking about how she didn’t like V being lonely and having to masturbate when she had two people who loved her and could be “taking care of that”. “You love V, don’t you?” she asked, “I mean not like me, but as a friend right?” She talked about how the felt V was her family and that it would be nice if we could all just be one family together. I asked if this was all about creating something she wanted or about preventing something she didn’t want. She was confused, rightly so, and I explained that I wondered if this might not be more about being afraid of losing V to some guy that might come along than about wanting to share me with V and V with me.

She said, “the other day when you were alone with her I tried to imagine how I would feel if you were fucking, and it made me sad, but then I thought about if it was some other dude she was with and I don’t know which bothered me more.”  “I know,” she said, “I’m just selfish because I don’t want to lose either of you guys.”

She seemed frustrated about her feelings getting in the way of the “logic” of making this a triad. I told her it didn’t make any sense to sacrifice her needs to have me to herself to try and hang onto V, because I knew that no matter what, she wouldn’t lose V to any guy who did come along. “I know,” she moped, “but also I think about how who knows who she might date and they might be a jerk or not even good in bed and I know you aren’t a jerk, and that you’re definitely good in bed.”

I told her that it didn’t sound like a good idea to me, to become involved sexually/romantically with V together out of fear of unknowns. Her rebuttal was that it didn’t seem like a good reason to avoid it either. “True,” I said, “so you should put some thought into figuring out what you want, rather than what you don’t.” “And,” I added, “keep in mind that V gets to choose what she wants, too.” “I know,” she replied.

Later that evening, at bedtime, she and V did their traditional hug and kiss while I stood by. Afterward, V looked at me and said, “Well?” so I hugged her and gave her a soft peck on the cheek. “On the lips, buster,” she chided. “Yeah,” C agreed, so I did. “I love you guys,” V told us. “We love you too,” we replied.

When we got to her room, C said, “That was so cute. I almost want to tell you to go spend the night with V. You guys were adorable.”

“Oh?” I asked. “Yes,” C responded, “except I need you to fuck the shit out of me right now, so no.”

We haven’t all been at their house at the same time really since then, so not much else has happened.The night before last, C and V slept together. “Slept!” C emphasized, and said it was mainly for the purpose of warmth. There has apparently been a brief conversation about what happened the other day, in which V admitted to having fun but getting weirded out at the same time, with some discussion about what a “good guy” I am for not immediately trying to push for a threesome at the slightest hint. C has been extra clingy after that day though.

C and V

Things got particularly serious about the negative side of the C-V-me flirting triangle this week, with some definite hints of an underlying fear and drive to create a self-fulfilling prophecy on C’s part. I did what I can toto alleviate the fear part by offering to eliminate the main causal factor (V and I spending much of the day alone together while C was at work), but she poo-poo’d that as being ridiculous, then reiterated that she wanted me to feel comfortable to stay at her place, with or without V there (something I hadn’t done even alone before that day), that she knew neither of us would do “that” to her, and that she was just down about having to go to work while we both had the day off to spend organizing the kitchen.

I suggested that backing off on the flirting and joking might be a good idea and she backpedaled more about not wanting to make me feel like I had to worry about her feelings when it was all in jest, that the banter was fun that she didn’t want to throw away, and that besides, she “started it” more often than V or myself, which is true.

I don’t know whether to read all of that at face value, or as a passive-aggressive, “I want everything to stay the same even though I have obvious issues with it, because I want to reserve the right to get upset about it later”. Either way, I guess I sit pat for now and if it raises an ugly head again I’ll get strict about things.

Time keeps on slippin’…

I find myself having difficulty keeping this blog up to date. I think mainly because my primary relationship is going well, but unremarkably. I imagine in part because this is a D/s blog and my relationship is mainly vanilla with a fairly agressively D/s sexual component. Blogging about “last night we did x, y, and z” is not really my style.

I am forcing myself to make an update though! I’ll just sort of summarize the situation as it exists, and see if that inspires me to spill my guts a bit more.

C and I have been “together” for about 7 or 8 months now. I wasn’t very committed or enthused at first, partly because I had a hard time reading into her feelings and partly because there wasn’t any friction or excitement going on aside from sexually. Understanding that it was okay for two adults to be polite and civil and not be at odds about much and still like each other, was, sadly, a tough thing for me to wrap my head around at 37 years of age. I also admit to having a little trouble “getting” the sex part. C likes to be topped rather roughly and selfishly, but doesn’t seem to have any particular issues that drive that desire. In part that makes things easier, since I don’t have to avoid stepping on any eggshells, but in a way it’s hard as I don’t have any particular guidance as to what might push her buttons, whether positively or negatively.

Slowly, I’ve become aware that there is sort of a playful “innocent” flirtation with her straight female roomate, V, and that has widened into some “pretend” competition between her roomate and I for her affection and some banter about sharing me. This is the one hot button I am aware of, as I do know that in the past she has had boyfriends ask her to invite V into the bedroom or want to switch over to dating V instead of C, which made her unhappy. So about this issue, I am being good, even though they’ve gone so far as talking about me cumming on V’s face in a joking discussion about acne treatments, and C has “jokingly” mentioned pawning me off on V when I’ve worn her out and am still up for action on a couple particularly virile days. I just try to join in the fun without pushing the envelope much myself. I do make some hay from the fact that C seems to get particularly vocal when V is in the apartment, but that’s about it.

I’ve been rather loathe to discuss the other part of my life here, and maybe it’s been one reason I haven’t been posting much. It’s developed in part because I have a weakness in this area, and in part because at the beginning, I wasn’t sure how serious things were with C but my ex-wife is in my life in a sexual, bdsmish way. She has a boyfriend, and she doesn’t want to leave him, but their relationship is tumultuous and a little broken, matching her personality I suppose.

It began with the fact that he won’t play “daddy” with her and prefers play in which he calls her a slut and a whore, which is tied much too much into their non-bedroom life in which he is often accusing her of flirting, etc. (She’s not even allowed to use facebook unsupervised.) It started with her acting out on that – “If he’s going to call me a slut anyway I might as well be one”, and not just with me, but eventually morphed into me taking on the “daddy” role in semi-regular play with her. As part of that, the (much worse than she had ever suggested) details of her abused childhood have come out for the first time, and I am struggling between trying to extricate myself for my safety and to protect what I have with C, but at the me time I am drawn to remain engaged, both in a quest to get her to seek real help about her past, and perverse enjoyment of the energy coming out of her. I try at times, based on the idea that she’d be pursuing these things elsewhere anyway, and I do at least want her to get better, to be a “good daddy” to her and provide structure and boundaries, support and advice, and push her toward therapy. Sadly, I often fall and just take the opportunity to help her degrade herself in acting out her anger at her boyfriend. Last night I fell, hard, in this respect. It was a fun, highly charged, scene. She seems to have come out of it all smiles herself… but I feel drained and worried. Partly I am kicking myself for not being able to just enjoy the ride, and partly I am kicking myself for not being able to just get out of the situation.

 

Why dating submissive women is often quite nice…

My girl is getting a procedure done which will take vaginal sex out of our lives for about a month. We were discussing her fears and anxieties about the procedure, when she interjected with, “I’m looking forward to how much you’re going to be fucking my mouth though. I don’t know why but I think that idea makes me wish we saw each other more than I ever do about sex sex. Like every day… I wish you could come over every day that month.”

Going home after

In my D/s experience, more so than vanilla relationships, parting company is always problematic. Even in a non-long-distance relationship, just going home at the end of an evening together seems to bring out the clingiest, neediest, brattiest, controlling behaviors from subs.

I understand wanting to be with Daddy/Sir/Master as much as possible, but does every parting-of-ways have to drag out or prompt corrective action? It’d be a different story if there weren’t reasons why I’m not staying overnight tonight that have already been discussed. It’d be different if I said I’d stay longer then left early. It’d be different if we didn’t already have plans for when our next time together will be.

I’m about to start setting a strict time limit for every visit I have with C, and possibly even go so far as to deny myself visits with her when she acts up as punishment. I know she feels that she is more attached than I am, but that’s not why I am driving home at 10pm instead of sleeping over, and the constant attempts to guilt me into staying or trying to negotiate with me are getting annoying.

Submission

Wow, 3 posts in one morning, hm?

Lately I find myself thinking sometimes that for just the right person, maybe I could sub.

I’m not a masochist, I don’t like being bound, orgasm denial/restriction seems pretty pointless to me, but there is this odd set of circumstances, scenes, ideas that I can imagine being in a  submissive role for.

It’s weird and I am not entirely sure how to process it or if it is remotely worth any second thought at all due to the specificity of it all, but there ya go.

Getting into trouble

I really think I must be bored.

I think I got over the cruelty toward C thing that Ispoke of in my last post, but still, I find myself trying to decide whether I want to bend and break a few of her limits, at the risk of offending/losing her, and I certainly am having trouble being loyal…

I don’t want to get into the details of it for a couple reasons, but I’ve been playing some Dom games and having some sexual encounters with my ex-wife that have nothing to do with getting back together and everything to do with taking advantage of her current weaknesses/relationship just for fun and release.

I’ve also been talkign again with someone far away, we’ll call her M, who is a lot younger than myself (but legal!) and who meets and even challenges my own perversion in so many ways… if she lived closer I think I’d have made my decision already.

Sometimes, I want to be cruel…

I have a hard time deling with a sub who is a needy doormat.

C has been generally enjoyable, but one thing she is is a bit needy. She wants me to be with her more often than I can be… Wants me to stay longer than I should…

The other thing she is, is a bit of a doormat. It seems that I can’t offend or upset her, no matter what I do. Not that I am purposefully trying to hurt her, but, stupid as it might sound to some to come from a Dom, I need her to give me some limits.

Recently, I hit a real wall about my feelings for her. It was sort of a stupid situation. We’d had sex and fallen asleep together for a short while. She woke or stirred and it woke me up and I told her I wanted my cock sucked. I did, but honestly I was in a sort of a state wherein I didn’t actually care much whether I came or not, I just wanted to feel her mouth on me for a while.

She started, and after a while started to ask if she was doing soemthing wrong, and what did I need her to do in order to cum, that she wanted me to cum, etc. I really didn’t need to cum at all, and I wasn’t sure if I could anyway, but one thing I was aware of was that my need to urinate was starting to dominate the sensations I felt in the region. The internal trouble began when I told her that I thought maybe I just needed to get up and pee first, and she fought back with the assertion that if I got up for that I’d probably decide just to get dressed and go home anyway since it was late, which was probably a reasonable observation as I did need to head home fairly soon anyway.

The whininess made me want to be cruel. She’s made it quite clear that she wants absolutely nothing to do with “watersports”, but what I wanted to do more than anything at that moment was to hold her head down and command her to suck and swallow while I relieved my bladder down her throat, and then make her keep sucking me until I came. I didn’t think she had relaxed her views about urine, and I hoped not. I wanted to take her choice in the matter away as some sort of punishment for placing so much of her identity into pleasing me.

It sounds stupid I am sure, being mad at her for wanting to please me. Wanting to violate her “rules” about our sex life in order to see if she’d just cave and go along…

Yet, I held back, made her stop sucking me, held her and caressed her until I absolutely had to get up to pee, and then, yes, got dressed and left. Part of me wishes I’d taken the other tack – maybe I am just bored, or maybe I am cruel at heart. I don’t really know for sure.

The equation

I lied – I feel like posting today. We’ll see how often this happens.

Sweetness + incredible blowjobs + not being annoying = ongoing dating relationship despite the lack of any real passion on my part

Sad admission, you could possibly take out one of the other two factors as long as the blowjobs stayed. Honestly, incredible. I forget to breathe sometimes.