Within 48 hours of discussing exclusivity with C, I got asked out by two gorgeous women and had a female friend initiate a “how would you feel about mixing some benefits into this friendship” conversation.
What is this signal that women so quickly pick up on?
I don’t know what is wrong with it.
I know a dozen things off the top of my head that are right with it.
She is good to me. So good. She adores everything I do. She supports me. She likes who I am.
I feel like I should leave before she is too reliant on me.
I fear that if I leave, it will be T all over again, that I will regret pushing her away and that the reason I do so will seem stupid in hindsight.
Am I just trying to keep other options open?
Am I just staying for the cuddles and blowjobs?
WTF is wrong with me?
I don’t know what exactly changed between C and I to enable it, but I think I am starting to connect to her. Many of the same issues that were making em hold backa re still there, but, rather abruptly, I am starting to feel much more care and tenderness toward her than I was.
This translated into our playtime yesterday, and I began to call her “good girl” and “little girl” quite a bit. I shied away from dropping the “daddy” bomb mid-scene, but I talked to her this morning abotu it and her take was that I should have said it. We haven’t gotten into a deep discussion about what that means for her. I think that is somethign best left for after we’ve toed into that headspace a little.
I continue to enjoy C’s company without craving it. She’s fun to be around, but… no connection. Maybe for some reason I am holding back. I am just stuck on this issue a lot because it’s never really happened to me before.
But dear me can she suck a cock. It’s a shame that she seems adamantly monogamistic, because one of my own (fairly fresh) kinks with a good little cocksucker is wanting to share her gift and watch her go down on other men. One never knows though; perhaps in time, the fact that as many times as I cum in her mouth it never seems to be enough will be something to turn that concept on with her. On the other hand, it’s possible that she’s zeroed in on this as an expression of affection from me that she’s not getting as much as she desires verbally.
I’ve been working at the edges of her bottoming, forcing her to cum twice now, and doing sort of a not-directly-sexual spanking “scene”. Again, back to my concern that every step into new territory I take her on is going to be a further point of attachment for her, I feel slightly guilty that it is purely the enjoyment of slwoly and gently “breaking her in” that’s working for me.
In other news… I’ve been talking to someone else. Someone who wants very much to fill my desire for D/lg and ageplay, and is actually just barely young enough that the D/lg doesn’t *have* to be ageplay. I’ll call her M. She knows I already have C, and living somewhat distant, she is ok with that with a tinge of jealousy. As I was leaving to see C yesterday, I told M that we’d have to stop our text conversation for a while. Her reply was that C wouldn’t mind her texting or calling me if she thought she was my actual daughter. It’s a terribly “wrong” twist that had both of us squirming at the idea of actually doing it.
I’m almost more drawn to M than I am to C, but I have a lot of reasons to not be. The distance for one, I don’t want to go through a third lesson regarding that. She’s also squirrely, and as I hinted at above, very drawn toward riding the edge of taboo. From her perspective, I don’t have to choose her over C. She, if anything, likes the idea that I “need” sex enough that I’d want to keep a local relationship going, and with this new idea, not only an excuse to talk to and to see her, but also to do so while making C unwittingly part of our “play”. That is terribly wrong on a lot of levels, but I can’t deny that it’s also very hot for me.
Always feast or famine… and always complicated. Maybe that’s just the way I really like things. Got to keep this brain active after all 
I’ve continued to date C, and after a lot of thinking and some more discussion with her, I decided to go ahead and have a sexual relationship with her. So far that has been working out pretty darn well. While this is not a D/s relationship, she’s already bottoming better than several of the “subs” I’ve been with.
Of course, the more things she does right, and the more she continues to be sweet, kissable, kind, fun, sexy, etc… The more I am kicking myself for not feeling more strongly for her. It’s new, I know, and I’m not expecting that I should be “in love” already, it’s just that, to be completely blunt, aside from the blowjobs and filling the otherwise empty chair next to me at a movie or across from me at dinner, I wouldn’t miss her much if she were gone at this point.
Hmmmmm…
So, I’ve been sort of dating this girl. It’s not a D/s thing precisely, though we’ve definitely broached the subject of Top/bottom in the bedroom. We haven’t actually had sex yet, just kissed a lot and discussed it.
Last night we were in her car making out after seeing a movie, when she broke off and got very serious, and announced to me that she has (genital only) herpes.
I’m a little bit unable to decide what to do.
On one hand, the chance of transmission is pretty low with precautions, I do like her, and I am attracted to her. I also have this (lame?) altruistic ideal that she doesn’t deserve to be sexually ostracized for this.
On the other hand, if I did catch it from her, and we didn’t stay together, I would be the one out there having to announce to everyone that I have herpes before they decide to be with me.
Further complicating this is that deciding whether or not to have sex with her was already at issue because I feel very much that she likes me a lot more than I like her.
Grrrr, life. Why can’t it get simple for a few damn months?
I know…
With L… things are basically where they have been. Friends and maybe a little more, flirting at times, her telling me at select times that she wouldn’t stop me if I wanted to visit, saying she misses me but doesn’t know what that means – at other times going on with her life, apparently dating, who knows. Personally, I don’t see the point of “casually dating” someone so far away. That isn’t to say that on my terms I wouldn’t visit just to have a nice weekend. We’ve discussed it, but the trouble comes from having to plan ahead and doing so when we aren’t a commited couple is sort of a strange process.
Locally, I’ve been on a few dates with someone. It’s been ok, nice even, but not stellar. I think she likes me more than I like her, so I’m wary of “taking advantage” of that. This is not a D/s thing, though sexually it is Top/bottom.
Nothing of real note has been happening, so I haven’t been posting here.
*shrugs*
L went out to dinner and karaoke with friends for Valentine’s Day. At about 2am her time, she showed up on her IM, drunk and horny.
I believe I stuck a balance between teasing/arousing her and not jumping right into virtual bed with her.
We’ll see.
She has been told that she doesn’t have to worry about whether she loves me “enough”. She has been told that she is now free to date and to fuck without getting advance permission.She doesn’t have to worry that she is letting me down if I don’t hear from her every day. The funny part his, she already had most of these freedoms from me, except for permission to fuck without asking me, but I don’t think she was giving those permissions to herself.
She knows that I am reserving the option of asking her to spend the weekend with me again in 6-8 weeks, again not under any obligation on her part to take my collar back just because she consents to see me or to play.
Either she’ll enjoy her freedom and realize that leaving was the right decision, or she will long for the comfort of my collar and my embrace.
It’s a hard place to put myself.
This is a tricky situation…
Someone leaves you, but they still want to talk and “be friends”. You concede that that might be a possibility but you need some space to make that transition… then she messages you saying “I don’t know how long this break up is going to last” and “If you were here I’d probably already be in your arms”.
It doesn’t mean we should resume, I think, not without a commitment to work on removing or finding ways to deal with the root problem (physical distance). It also doesn’t mean she is ready or wants to resume, it just means she misses it.
